Sunday, December 2, 2007

The Keys To Becoming A Successful Entrepreneur

A Word From Our Chairman James Hatt

Successitudes™ began with my life-long passion for acquiring stuff- money, cars, fine cigars like this one I'm holding, chicks (of course). I learned long ago that if you want a piece of the action, you gotta strap on a pair of brass ones. Now, some inspirational merchandisers talk a good game about positive mental attitude. They'd have you festoon your office with posters telling you how life is like a golf course and paperweights telling you what T-E-A-M stands for. If that type of candy-ass uplift makes you feel better about your dead-end middle-management job, fine. But just remember- high-net-worth individuals like myself find chunks of suckers like you in our stools every morning. And that, asshole, is why you should write for our catalog today. P.O. Box 3788293, Chicago, IL 60637.

Unlock the asshole from within starting with WordBastard™ cassettes. Corporate difference makers know that the key to extracting peak employee performance is a regime of random and terroristic intimidation. In this nine-tape WordBastard™ set, Dirk Polnschlaeger, Dean of Executive Intimidation Training, unlocks the secret to life-transforming viciousness. Each day, Dirk will guide you through a series of mental exercises that will teach you the 10 timeless principles of business contumely, the 7 styles of tactical truculence, 6 tips for the up-and-coming martinet, and the 4 qualities of an effective tyrant. The information-packed workbook will hone your skills, and your Personal Bastard Diary will chart your progress. More than a thousand colorful and humiliating commands, imprecations and insults (almost 200 of which refer to the testicles). $89.95

Union Avoidance

Today most companies prefer to maintain a union-free work environment. We are specialists at countering union organizing drives through lawful means. Our goal is not only union avoidance, but also to improve employee relations and bring employees and management closer together.

We focus on identifying the key issues that lead employees to seek outside representation, and then show our clients the appropriate ways to address each issue. Our strategies, such as our vulnerability assessments and union avoidance training, have proven extremely effective in countering unionization.

Counter Union Organizing Campaigns

Successitudes™ has over 30 years of experience helping companies avoid unions, with an unbeatable track record winning NLRB elections, never having had a repeat election in the same bargaining unit. If an employer does become a target of an organizing campaign, we develop creative strategies to encourage a union-free work environment.

We show You how to let your restive workforce know that You wouldn't think twice about shutting down your box factory and moving it to Arkansas or Mexico.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

A little over 4 years ago I left a workplace where the company president was very obviously a follower of the WordBastard philosophy. Luckily for me he wasn't my direct boss. Unluckily for me my direct boss wasn't much of a buffer. I butted heads with the WordBastard genius occasionally. Shortly before I left his employ, I gave him a massive Zidane head-butt, existentially speaking.